Better Laid Plans

Maybe you have been reading my thoughts for a while and maybe this is new to you. I always try to keep things light and breezy. I know I don’t like being the one who is dark and gloomy. Who likes being around somebody who is all doom and gloom? Realistically it’s not possible to be little miss sunshine either but I do try to stay positive.

My husband and I traveled to America for my brother’s Memorial and decided to turn the trip into a month-long vacation. We were hoping to come back on happier terms. You have to make the best of a situation however you come across it. I think that is a no brainer. We wanted to do this trip next year. We had wanted to see all my siblings individually. We are doing this now; it’s just been expedited. I had wanted to be reunited with my brother, Kevin, to hug him and get to know his lovely wife, Lisa, and his step-daughter Sandy. I did get to see Kevin when we face-timed. Nothing though can compare to actually being in the same room with the one you love. I do take solace that I had got to see him even if it was through a video link because I hadn’t seen his face for over 20 years.  We laughed and looked forward to seeing each other. Every thing though changed for us all as it is apt to do.

We are getting to go places that we had never been to before. Adam and I have never been to West Virginia. We have gotten some really great quality time with Lisa and Sandy. I know Sunday the 15th is going to be a very hard day for Lisa and myself. We have been pretty much inseparable since I have hugged her on the 21st of May. We felt as if we had known each other very well even though it had been long talks on the phone or typing on Facebook.  I am dreading the 15th pretty much. We are going to have to part sometime. I know we will stay in contact because Kevin got us together. I feel very strongly about this.

I asked Lisa to join me on a road trip to see my brother Chuck in Philadelphia and my sisters Judy and Margaret in Florida. I would love to take her to see my other sisters in Nevada and California but Lisa has things she has to take care of back in West Virginia. We fly back to Australia on June 24th. The 25th won’t happen for Adam and myself because we will be flying across the international date line. We are used to losing and gaining days when we fly back and forth to the USA. Lisa and I had a great time traveling together down the eastern seaboard of the USA. I had never driven that much in the United States. We even took a trip to NYC with Chuck. Chuck was born in Brooklyn and I had traveled to NYC in 1996 with my mom, my sister Judy, and niece Cassie. Sandy, Adam, and Lisa were the “virgins” in NYC.

We started off in West Virginia and drove to Philadelphia. After Philadelphia we drove to Georgia so Sandy could stay with her cousin Mary. We then continued down to the panhandle of Florida to the city of Crestview. It’s sort of funny but I lived in the Fort Walton Beach area 20 years ago. It was interesting seeing all the changes and growth in the area. I looked forward to showing Adam the places I used to work and play at. We played in the Gulf of Mexico for a little bit. Today we are going to get our hair cut.

On the 15th we fly out to Las Vegas and Lisa returns back to West Virginia. I can’t wait for her to get her passport so I can show her our little piece of paradise. I know we are going to have a blast like we have had here. She has things though that she needs to sort out first before her trip to see us. I do know we are going to see each other again which is making me look forward to the reunion we will have. I know another post will be happening when that happens. After Las Vegas, we are heading to Los Angeles and then it’s back across the Pacific Ocean to Australia for us.

Yes, I know I had better laid plans in my head for our trip in 2015. I meant to take more time to visit friends as well as family but sometimes life happens and you have to make do with that you can. I know things didn’t turn out the way I had expected or desired. It’s not a perfect world. I had to make the most of what I have even with the sad ugly bits. I can build on what I have to make things better even if it’s just a little change.

If I can make someone smile or lighten the load even a little bit than I know I have done something good.

Soul Searching

Ever had one of those moments when you just go where do I go from here? Yeah, I am having one of those moments a lot lately. In fact today, I was instructed to just go have a good think about what I want to do. I am really good at that. Thinking, it’s like a natural thing to do especially for me. I do it non stop. In fact at times it can cause insomnia. I can focus on things a bit too much at times that it will actually prevent me from moving forward. I will ponder, wonder, and concentrate on something come up with nothing but it’s still fermenting in the back of my mind until I finally get the light bulb going off. I like that moment the most when I know exactly what I will do but the real challenge can be finding that light bulb moment.

I can fumble around in the dark so to say not as good as my man but figuratively. You would think at 45 I would know exactly what I want to do with my life. I find though even though I might plan something, it won’t go according to plan. I can adapt. I am not afraid of change. I can actually adapt well to change and try to work with it sort of like a willow caught up in the wind bending to whims of the wind but not breaking totally.

I can be a very passionate person. I have lots of varied interests which can take me down many different tracks. I am just trying to find out exactly what I want to do professionally which will reward both my employer and myself.

There are so many things I need to or want to do. I know there are things that need to be done more like praying and meditating. I sort of pray while I am thinking. I have conversations with God a lot. I look for the answers in subtle signs or turns in conversation. For non-believers I know you may not believe but it helps me to do this sort of prayer while soul-searching. I can hear the sceptics going ‘Hogwash’ but it works for me and that is what is most important.

I need to sit down and do SMART goals. I know that would help me a lot. I need to look at the big goal and just break it down further into more manageable short-term goals so that I can get to the big goal.  It just getting that big goal sorted out. I feel a bit like Robert Frost in The Road Not Taken. I have two paths I can go down and even if it doesn’t work out the way I think it will, I will still be glad I went on the journey that I took.

I will be soul-searching for a bit but I am sure I will find my focus. I will get encouragement and draw on the strength that I know I can handle whatever may come. Each day brings new challenges which will help make me be me. 

Thanksgiving Yaussie Style

The majority of my life, I have lived it in the northern Hemisphere in the great state of Louisiana on the central west side. Thanksgiving Day always holds a very special place in my heart because it normally fell close to my mom’s birthday. I love my mom to bits. She was an amazing cook! Thanksgiving is a special time to be with family and friends. Any North American can identify with this wonderful holiday. It doesn’t matter if you are from Canada or the USA, you know what Thanksgiving is all about. The only difference is if you are Canadian you celebrate in October and if you are a native of America (USA), you celebrate it the 4th Thursday in November. Another special thing about Thanksgiving is that the two sisters I grew up with both married fellas whose birthdays also fall around this special day. Glenn was on the 25th of November and Eric is on the 28th which means this year is the actual day he shares it with the holiday.

When I first moved to Australia, I would still celebrate this holiday inviting friends over who didn’t quite get the special day. They didn’t really like the way I did the sweet potatoes with marshmallows but they ate politely. This year, I didn’t do a big Thanksgiving meal. I didn’t invite anyone over but I often think of my family across the world. As I type this blog, they are getting ready to get together and celebrate. They will watch the parades, eat turkey and football (not soccer or rugby but gridiron as the Aussie’s term American football). I will be with them in spirit and try to call.

It’s sort of strange trying to explain something that I grew up with to friends here. Adam gets it but we always seem to get each other. I always say I was made for him and vice versa. It is like trying to explain mate-ship or Anzac Day to Americans who would just have to experience it for themselves. Some people still might not get it which is what I found when I try explaining Thanksgivings Day to Australians. They get it but not quite.

Also, when I first started celebrating Thanksgiving in Australia, I would do it on Thanksgiving day Australia time but then I thought maybe I should do it on the actual day that Americans do because I would have the dinner on the same day as my family. I know this might seem strange to some that I was so wish-washy about it. It was also easy for people that I invited over to come over on the Friday instead of the Thursday.  It just made sense to me.

I am not feeling the best which is another excuse but I don’t see a point in doing a huge meal when it’s just me and Adam. We took our dogs to the beach and enjoyed our companionship.  I feel like I had an epiphany yesterday, which was my mom’s birthday (27th). I had been struggling with something for the longest time inside of me. I thought I had given it up long ago but I had a dream.

In this dream, I came to realize that I don’t need anyone’s approval to proclaim the Good News. I had felt the Lord had draw me towards Evanglisation when I was living in St. Marys. I went to classes to learn more and wanted to contribute more. I was well on my way to do this because I had finished a course on St Paul and it was as if the scales on my own eyes on my feeling of unworthiness fell away and I could see the greatest potential God wanted for me.  I just got side tracked is all. Someone asked me a question about something and I was honest with my answer.  This person was the one who I looked up to and felt mentored by. It was after my honest answer, that I was instructed that I could not teach for the School of Evangelisation because I needed to do something which I felt was unnecessary. She let me do more menial things. I could lead songs and write a piece for the newsletter but actually talk in front of people…. it just wasn’t allowed.  I wasn’t worthy enough in her eyes. My dream though had a mixture of God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit in it and my own mother and they told me that if I felt the need to speak the truth about Him there was nothing to stop me.  I didn’t need a sanction from the church to do God’s work. I just had to be lead by the Holy Spirit.

God has a way if you are open to Him. It may not be the way you may have ever imagined but if He wants you to do something, you will do it with His guidance on His time table not yours.

I am thankful for the opportunities the Lord has put my way. I know I am not perfect but I strive to love like He does, with acceptance and compassion. Lots of forgiveness and openhearted, with anticipation of what He has in store for me. He has given me a unique family and some very wonderful friends (Shauny G and Bishop Eddie Tatro, and Rachie from WordPress a huge hug too from me). I will try and give thanks not just because it’s Thanksgivings Day but because He has given me another day to simply BE!

Music In a Melancholy Mood

Today my optimistic self has fled from my soul at the moment. I am wondering and pondering big questions in my head trying to decide the best course of action for my melancholy mood.

I know lots of people have it worse than I. I have a good family even if I don’t speak to them as often as I should but I know they love me too even though the distance between us is humongous. Recently though, I am wondering what I could do or say to help my brother whom I haven’t seen in 30 years. I am trying to take a leaf out of Sting’s Lyrics praying that perhaps by setting him free he may come back to me. I know I can be a very possessive little sister but I love him to bits. I love him so much it’s disgustingly good. I know when he is ready he will let me or the rest of the family back in but I really wonder if it’s going to be another 30 years before it happens. I certainly hope not because I am planning a trip back to the states in 2015 to visit family and friends.

I want to make new memories with him and his own family. I do think in time it will happen but in this moment I am feeling melancholy. I don’t want to interfere with him but I want to be part of his life. Maybe I am asking too much but maybe it is what he needs too because I can’t imagine my world without him. We don’t have to speak all the time but just knowing he’s out their in the universe makes my world brighter.

Message In A Bottle

Yesterday I was going through my morning rituals when I heard this song which I love by one of my favorite bands on Pandora Radio. As I was about to get in the shower, it sort of hit me that this is how I feel about blogging.  Sometimes you just write because you are in moment or you want to just share something, anything that will make a connection to someone else.

It’s the most exhilarating feeling when you know you have done this. I don’t write for the money. I don’t write for the fame. I write for the love of sharing. I write for a connection with others. It’s like everytime I hit that publish button I am hoping, praying that I will get to read from someone who is also sending out a SOS. I am reaching out in hope that maybe somebody identifies with the moment and will actually acknowledge it. I have gotten a few messages back. When this happens, it’s just amazing. The likes are fantastic too but the wow factor for me is when I actually get to read a comment.

I can’t imagine ever getting a million responses back like he talks about in the song but that feeling of wonder I identify with so vividly when I read a comment or see a like. Maybe one day I am going to see lots of responses but until then I will keep on writing, keep on sharing, and keep on reading! Do you ever feel like this? If so, please feel free to share!

A Blessed Life

Everyday is a blessing. I truly believe that statement. I often sit and go about my day thinking to myself not really voicing what is going around in my over active imaginations because frankly not everyone needs to hear my thoughts although Adam is always asking me what’s going on inside my head. The man not be able to see but he knows me too well. He knows when something inside me is bubbling up and about to explode to the surface.

The past few days I have been a bit edgy. It doesn’t really take much to get me to wanting to bite somethings head off. (I feel like Alice Cooper or Ozzie Osbourne is trying to possess me.) I have this rage inside me that I need to expel so this is why I have decided to write all this crap out bring it to the surface, let it spill onto the webpage for the entire world to see so that I can exorcise the beast out of my system once and for all but I have a feeling it will happen yet again as it is apt to do most especially when someone makes a statement such as: You will never understand. You don’t have kids.

The statement is true to a certain degree but this sort of generalization really burns me up. It makes me so angry. It makes me question myself as a person. Am I less of a person because I haven’t given birth to a child? It’s something that I have always wanted but it hasn’t happened. I have no desire to go for infertility treatment or IVF. I am a firm believer in if it is meant to happen it will happen. I also know I could go the route of adoption or fostering but a part of me thinks that maybe I am not good enough because I was not able to conceive. I know that isn’t true. I probably would make a very good foster-mother because I have a very kind heart. I always dreamed of being a mother. Sometimes though I am glad that I haven’t been pregnant. I won’t get to experience the pain of having to let go of my child.  I can remember when Margaret was pregnant with Cassie. It was so beautiful watching her baby move inside her and feel her kicking. I can imagine the feeling but I will never experience it in this life. I am not experiencing life the way other people are blessed with children but then again, they aren’t experiencing my life either. Some may never get to know the kind of love that I have with Adam.

I’ve heard that having a  child can make a marriage different. It changes it in such a way that you never really know until it happens to you. I am not going to see any fruit from my marriage to Adam because we haven’t created a new life but in our own sort of way, we have created a life together that is hard to express. I am content with my life with Adam. He’s not your typical bloke. He is sensitive and caring. He can bug the shit out of me and motivate me. I feel as if we make a really great team. I always wanted to find someone I could totally be myself with. I can’t put up walls with him because he knows when I am trying to do that. It’s like he has this inbuilt bulldozer to knock down the barrier I am trying to create. I would be foolish to even try to create such a buffer to him. There is no need for such a creation when you truly love someone who loves you back. There is such transparency between us that I find it hard to believe that other couples don’t have this. They choose to keep parts of themselves separate from their partner. I did that once in another marriage and found it to be exhausting.

I have a very blessed life with a very special man. We may not add to the population of the world but in our own ways, we try to impact our world with positivity and compassion. We reach out to family and friends when they need us in our special ways.

Even with the tragedy that strikes from natural causes or man-made destruction there is something about humanity that still shines through. There is a positivity and  compassion to help others that are less fortunate than ourselves. I don’t think it comes from trying to be better than the other person; it comes from recognizing the vulnerability of ourselves through the ones who have suffered the tragedy. There is inherent goodness in us all and we all have a blessed life whether we are called to be parents or uncles or aunties or friend.

 

Strangeness Attractor

I must have a strangeness attractor deep inside me. I don’t know why I have a knack for finding the strangest people and befriending them. It must be an invisible aura or tattooed in invisible ink on my forehead.

I know the definition of normal isn’t really normal but frankly,  I must have a curiosity detector or extremely weird vibe I give off. I don’t mind being different but there are limitations to it surely.

Here’s an example I will give, in July 2012 after returning from a visit to the USA I was contacted on facebook by two complete strangers who both just happened to be widows. I have in my public profile that I am married. They were both looking for love hoping to find it with me. I guess I can blame the fact that I put up a profile pic with me standing besides my nephew’s corvette. I am pretty definite it was the car they were most attracted to. I also suspect it was the maxi dress I had on that was strapless. I am average looking nothing spectular. I normally don’t get a second glance at except when I am in that dress so I suspect showing off shoulders must be in fashion.  It wasn’t a plunging neckline or anything too racy.

Back to the widows, within two weeks widow number one tells me he’s going to China to conduct business which is fine. We’d be in closer time zones so chatting could be better. He notified me that he arrived safely but was needing cash to finalize the deal. I asked how much but he didn’t really give me a sum because he wanted me to get friends and family involved to get him the amount needed. I told him it sounded like a con and if he was such a great negotiator why didn’t he involve the company he was subcontracted to to get the money. He said it didn’t work like that. He had under quoted so he had to come up with the difference. I wished him luck and disconnect from yahoo messenger. I know not very nice of me to do but it sounded like a scam. I certainly would not ask some one online that I just met for money after two weeks. It really set off alarm bells. I wrote back to him explaining that I didn’t feel right about what he asked from me. I haven’t heard back from him but he did try to befriend one of my sisters whom I gave a heads up to after she asked me about him.

Widow number 2 lives in England. We emailed mostly back and forth. It was nice having a pen pal but he kept telling me how in love he was with me after the correspondence we had been doing. I kept telling him I was happily married and that he needed to look elsewhere for his true love because I was already taken. I wrote to him to wish him a Merry Christmas and that was it. I assumed he gave up or found someone new. I was sort of shocked yesterday when I got a message from him on yahoo messenger saying: Hello darling? It’s been almost 4 months since I last read from him. I was curious so I replied back Hi there. He says: I’m fine. I write back that’s good thought you never wanted to read from me since I never heard back from you last December. He goes on to say he’s sorry but he traveled to Canada for a construction job. I said apologizes aren’t necessary because we are just friends but in the back of my mind I am going what the hell is going on. I assumed the man had either died or just didn’t care because he stopped responding to me. He’s pretty much the whole reason why I started blogging because I can just write like I am writing to him. He never answers questions when I ask them. He is mister one word answers when I actually speak to him through a chat service. I get better reactions sometimes through a blog if I touch someone through what I write.

I like to think that I am a pretty decent human being but sometimes on occasions like this I really wonder what the hell is wrong with me? Why do I attract these people? I recognize brokenness and needing to connect but is there something really wrong with me?

A Poem as yet untitled

Think not my heart is made of stone

Or I would cut you to the bone.

The fact remains my heart belongs to another

Whom I love and never thought I would discover.

I wish I could make you both happy

Even though I know it sounds sappy.

You need someone to have and hold.

I could never be that bold

Not while I am another’s love.

You’re both so very precious to me.

I wish you only harmony.

There must be someone longing for you.

She’s out there waiting; pining it’s true

so go on and follow your dream

which will bring you ecstasy.