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Soul Searching

Ever had one of those moments when you just go where do I go from here? Yeah, I am having one of those moments a lot lately. In fact today, I was instructed to just go have a good think about what I want to do. I am really good at that. Thinking, it’s like a natural thing to do especially for me. I do it non stop. In fact at times it can cause insomnia. I can focus on things a bit too much at times that it will actually prevent me from moving forward. I will ponder, wonder, and concentrate on something come up with nothing but it’s still fermenting in the back of my mind until I finally get the light bulb going off. I like that moment the most when I know exactly what I will do but the real challenge can be finding that light bulb moment.

I can fumble around in the dark so to say not as good as my man but figuratively. You would think at 45 I would know exactly what I want to do with my life. I find though even though I might plan something, it won’t go according to plan. I can adapt. I am not afraid of change. I can actually adapt well to change and try to work with it sort of like a willow caught up in the wind bending to whims of the wind but not breaking totally.

I can be a very passionate person. I have lots of varied interests which can take me down many different tracks. I am just trying to find out exactly what I want to do professionally which will reward both my employer and myself.

There are so many things I need to or want to do. I know there are things that need to be done more like praying and meditating. I sort of pray while I am thinking. I have conversations with God a lot. I look for the answers in subtle signs or turns in conversation. For non-believers I know you may not believe but it helps me to do this sort of prayer while soul-searching. I can hear the sceptics going ‘Hogwash’ but it works for me and that is what is most important.

I need to sit down and do SMART goals. I know that would help me a lot. I need to look at the big goal and just break it down further into more manageable short-term goals so that I can get to the big goal.  It just getting that big goal sorted out. I feel a bit like Robert Frost in The Road Not Taken. I have two paths I can go down and even if it doesn’t work out the way I think it will, I will still be glad I went on the journey that I took.

I will be soul-searching for a bit but I am sure I will find my focus. I will get encouragement and draw on the strength that I know I can handle whatever may come. Each day brings new challenges which will help make me be me. 75fc536f-fe51-4eaa-bef7-1bdb9cfa4b21

Thanksgiving Yaussie Style

The majority of my life, I have lived it in the northern Hemisphere in the great state of Louisiana on the central west side. Thanksgiving Day always holds a very special place in my heart because it normally fell close to my mom’s birthday. I love my mom to bits. She was an amazing cook! Thanksgiving is a special time to be with family and friends. Any North American can identify with this wonderful holiday. It doesn’t matter if you are from Canada or the USA, you know what Thanksgiving is all about. The only difference is if you are Canadian you celebrate in October and if you are a native of America (USA), you celebrate it the 4th Thursday in November. Another special thing about Thanksgiving is that the two sisters I grew up with both married fellas whose birthdays also fall around this special day. Glenn was on the 25th of November and Eric is on the 28th which means this year is the actual day he shares it with the holiday.

When I first moved to Australia, I would still celebrate this holiday inviting friends over who didn’t quite get the special day. They didn’t really like the way I did the sweet potatoes with marshmallows but they ate politely. This year, I didn’t do a big Thanksgiving meal. I didn’t invite anyone over but I often think of my family across the world. As I type this blog, they are getting ready to get together and celebrate. They will watch the parades, eat turkey and football (not soccer or rugby but gridiron as the Aussie’s term American football). I will be with them in spirit and try to call.

It’s sort of strange trying to explain something that I grew up with to friends here. Adam gets it but we always seem to get each other. I always say I was made for him and vice versa. It is like trying to explain mate-ship or Anzac Day to Americans who would just have to experience it for themselves. Some people still might not get it which is what I found when I try explaining Thanksgivings Day to Australians. They get it but not quite.

Also, when I first started celebrating Thanksgiving in Australia, I would do it on Thanksgiving day Australia time but then I thought maybe I should do it on the actual day that Americans do because I would have the dinner on the same day as my family. I know this might seem strange to some that I was so wish-washy about it. It was also easy for people that I invited over to come over on the Friday instead of the Thursday.  It just made sense to me.

I am not feeling the best which is another excuse but I don’t see a point in doing a huge meal when it’s just me and Adam. We took our dogs to the beach and enjoyed our companionship.  I feel like I had an epiphany yesterday, which was my mom’s birthday (27th). I had been struggling with something for the longest time inside of me. I thought I had given it up long ago but I had a dream.

In this dream, I came to realize that I don’t need anyone’s approval to proclaim the Good News. I had felt the Lord had draw me towards Evanglisation when I was living in St. Marys. I went to classes to learn more and wanted to contribute more. I was well on my way to do this because I had finished a course on St Paul and it was as if the scales on my own eyes on my feeling of unworthiness fell away and I could see the greatest potential God wanted for me.  I just got side tracked is all. Someone asked me a question about something and I was honest with my answer.  This person was the one who I looked up to and felt mentored by. It was after my honest answer, that I was instructed that I could not teach for the School of Evangelisation because I needed to do something which I felt was unnecessary. She let me do more menial things. I could lead songs and write a piece for the newsletter but actually talk in front of people…. it just wasn’t allowed.  I wasn’t worthy enough in her eyes. My dream though had a mixture of God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit in it and my own mother and they told me that if I felt the need to speak the truth about Him there was nothing to stop me.  I didn’t need a sanction from the church to do God’s work. I just had to be lead by the Holy Spirit.

God has a way if you are open to Him. It may not be the way you may have ever imagined but if He wants you to do something, you will do it with His guidance on His time table not yours.

I am thankful for the opportunities the Lord has put my way. I know I am not perfect but I strive to love like He does, with acceptance and compassion. Lots of forgiveness and openhearted, with anticipation of what He has in store for me. He has given me a unique family and some very wonderful friends (Shauny G and Bishop Eddie Tatro, and Rachie from WordPress a huge hug too from me). I will try and give thanks not just because it’s Thanksgivings Day but because He has given me another day to simply BE!

Strangeness Attractor

I must have a strangeness attractor deep inside me. I don’t know why I have a knack for finding the strangest people and befriending them. It must be an invisible aura or tattooed in invisible ink on my forehead.

I know the definition of normal isn’t really normal but frankly,  I must have a curiosity detector or extremely weird vibe I give off. I don’t mind being different but there are limitations to it surely.

Here’s an example I will give, in July 2012 after returning from a visit to the USA I was contacted on facebook by two complete strangers who both just happened to be widows. I have in my public profile that I am married. They were both looking for love hoping to find it with me. I guess I can blame the fact that I put up a profile pic with me standing besides my nephew’s corvette. I am pretty definite it was the car they were most attracted to. I also suspect it was the maxi dress I had on that was strapless. I am average looking nothing spectular. I normally don’t get a second glance at except when I am in that dress so I suspect showing off shoulders must be in fashion.  It wasn’t a plunging neckline or anything too racy.

Back to the widows, within two weeks widow number one tells me he’s going to China to conduct business which is fine. We’d be in closer time zones so chatting could be better. He notified me that he arrived safely but was needing cash to finalize the deal. I asked how much but he didn’t really give me a sum because he wanted me to get friends and family involved to get him the amount needed. I told him it sounded like a con and if he was such a great negotiator why didn’t he involve the company he was subcontracted to to get the money. He said it didn’t work like that. He had under quoted so he had to come up with the difference. I wished him luck and disconnect from yahoo messenger. I know not very nice of me to do but it sounded like a scam. I certainly would not ask some one online that I just met for money after two weeks. It really set off alarm bells. I wrote back to him explaining that I didn’t feel right about what he asked from me. I haven’t heard back from him but he did try to befriend one of my sisters whom I gave a heads up to after she asked me about him.

Widow number 2 lives in England. We emailed mostly back and forth. It was nice having a pen pal but he kept telling me how in love he was with me after the correspondence we had been doing. I kept telling him I was happily married and that he needed to look elsewhere for his true love because I was already taken. I wrote to him to wish him a Merry Christmas and that was it. I assumed he gave up or found someone new. I was sort of shocked yesterday when I got a message from him on yahoo messenger saying: Hello darling? It’s been almost 4 months since I last read from him. I was curious so I replied back Hi there. He says: I’m fine. I write back that’s good thought you never wanted to read from me since I never heard back from you last December. He goes on to say he’s sorry but he traveled to Canada for a construction job. I said apologizes aren’t necessary because we are just friends but in the back of my mind I am going what the hell is going on. I assumed the man had either died or just didn’t care because he stopped responding to me. He’s pretty much the whole reason why I started blogging because I can just write like I am writing to him. He never answers questions when I ask them. He is mister one word answers when I actually speak to him through a chat service. I get better reactions sometimes through a blog if I touch someone through what I write.

I like to think that I am a pretty decent human being but sometimes on occasions like this I really wonder what the hell is wrong with me? Why do I attract these people? I recognize brokenness and needing to connect but is there something really wrong with me?

My Miracle Through Social Media

The other day, I was on Facebook just goofing around not expecting to have anything special happen when for kicks, I decided to try find friends which I had done a few years previously with the results of nothing but broken heartedness.

My tale isn’t really that special but to me and my best friend, Theresa, from USL, it is a miracle! When I plugged in her name in the search box and it brought up her name and her current location. I knew I hit the jackpot. There she was in her hometown and I was half a world away in a life that I didn’t think  could get any better but the other day it did!

I quickly wrote a friend’s request praying she would respond quickly and be just as anxious to reconnect. It happened that the day of our reconnection if it went according to my plan would be her birthday for me.  (The beauty of living in Australia is that you are half a day ahead of the United States.  You often get birthday greetings from family and friends a day late but in a way it’s good because you get celebrations for 2 days instead of just one!) I would be connecting with her on her time zone the day before which I thought would be a kicker.

I am waiting anxiously for a response. I have left Facebook on my mobile (cell phone for US citizens) and can’t sleep in late because I am so anxious, excited, as well as worried about if she will or won’t except my friend request.  It’s 5:30 in the morning. I quickly grab my mobile to see if perchance there has been a message. I see I have been poked! I quickly snatch my phone off the charger and squeal with delight.

It turns out my bestie was just as anxious to find me as I was to find her. Through the years of trying to stay in contact with each other, life happened and addresses get lost but thanks to the miracle of social media, I have my soul sister back! I am vowing not to lose her again. When I asked her when she had returned back to Louisiana it turned out to be in 2002. I left Louisiana in 2002 to marry Adam but neither one of us girls had forgotten each other. In our own ways we held on to hope that one day our paths would cross again.

I rang her up and we cried. We laughed. We found out just how much we meant to each other. I am sure that this has happened to numerous people before me and will happen to numerous people after me.

I am just marvelling at the time I am living in. The capacity technology has and the complexity of love and friendship. If I had been born 20 years earlier, I wouldn’t be where I am now. I wouldn’t have found my husband or be living where I am living. I don’t think that I would be as happy as I am now. I don’t think I would be back in contact with my bestie.

I know the skeptics out there are cursing me and my naivety. The cynics are gnashing their teeth but I laugh because I am ever the optimist. I try to keep a positive attitude. Even if I, myself, turn cynical something happens and  my internal optimist takes over. I don’t think it’s a bad thing.  I am so happy and pleased about my turn of events that I had to share it with the world!