A Family Affair
Last night I was watching tele as I normally do as well as goofing off with my mobile phone sort of reading word press on commercials when I read something that my good friend, prayingforoneday, posted about. It brought up a lot of old memories for me. It had to do with hate. I can honestly say that I can only think of one person in my life that I have hated. I keep praying to God to take the hurt from me. I know I have to let it go so that it doesn’t eat me alive. I thought I had done that but nope, I haven’t. I could tell it hadn’t by the way I expressed myself to prayingforoneday in an email.
He was speaking of hate on a global scale but for me, I looked at it on a more personal term because I can’t change the world globally but I can change my own world by my actions and deeds with others.
I want to be a better person. I want to be able to say that I love that person who hurt me so. I guess he had his reasons but he also had a choice. It can not be undone. I can not say that I love him. I suppose in some ways I do but mostly when I think about him I think relief that he is gone. I am happy that he won’t be able to do what he did to me to any other person. He won’t be able to infect another child with his perversion.
I suppose what gets me the most is that it was someone I was supposed to trust and love unconditionally. For some reason, it’s been placed on my heart to share this story. I like to think I am a better person because I try not to dwell on it. I think I have moved on but now I am questioning if I have truly moved on. I am struggling with letting go. There is nothing he can do to me now. He’s long gone.
I guess my message is this: if you have been touched in a manner that you aren’t comfortable with speak up. Do not let it take control of you. My sister and I spoke to our mother about what happened. She suggested we were never to be alone with him. She also suggested that we weren’t to tell our father because we wanted to protect him from what was going on. Looking back now on things, I wonder if he too had been touched inappropriately but I can’t go back. I can only move forward.
These events happened ages ago. It almost feels like 2 lifetimes. I don’t have children. In some ways, I find this a blessing because I don’t want to have to raise a child in a world where they can not be safe. They won’t be exposed to the perversion that can occur.
I will leave you with this song which I meant to dedicate to prayingforoneday and Firsttimefreedom but I went on my own tangent. This song came out before or around the time prayingforoneday was born and ages before Firsttimefreedom was born but I want to dedicate it to them. They both inspire me a lot.
Thanks for reading and God bless you!